Never thought I'd see the day...

When I look forward to leaving the house.

Too bad the only place to go is doctor appointments. I'm still not entirely comfortable taking the baby out by myself. I don't know if its my forgetfulness or the public.

I find myself getting bored and wishing I had friends. It seems like everyone I know either works and has their own life or I'm just not that close to them and not comfortable saying "hey, lets go shopping" at the spur of the moment like I had in J ville.

It frustrates me because its so temporary and in a few weeks I'll be wishing I had all day (and night, when I'll actually be gone) to spend with my kiddos.

more updates

Karli wears me out more than Target ever did. I'm a lot more tired now than after any night of stocking shelves.

Shaun and I have both noticed that she wants to be held a lot more now. Of course we don't deny her but after her taking an hour long nap on you then a 30 minute bottle, you start thinking of other things that need to be done. I think its a short phase, much like her babyhood will be. Soon she will be wandering around, getting into stuff, with no time for a nap or snuggles.

The big kids are pretty much the same. I've started thinking of them as a unit now. The big kids, soon to be the school kids. We got outside today for a while to play and I wondered how much of this place they will remember when they are grown. I remember my old house, and I know we played outside there but I don't remember any specifics, except the weird fact that my sister and I would eat the new little leaves off one of the trees.

So here we are five weeks later. I feel like Karli has always been here. Every memory includes her, or a thought of her. This time last year I thought I was pregnant with someone else. I had started the losing process having no idea what was happening. I thought I would be depressed every year on this day because of what might have been, little did I know two months later I'd see that double line again and one year later be looking at my tiny girl sleeping on the couch. It's amazing.

The family update

I have the family cold. It all started with Jake the week after I had Karli. We blame him for spreading it to the rest of us :)

Besides the annoyance of a runny nose and the occasional cough, I don't feel too bad. Just hoping the baby doesn't get it.

Speaking of the baby... we have this great arrangement now where she sleeps in her chair beside the bed. I think we both sleep better this way. She is more alert this week. She has periods of the day where she is awake and she looks around. She moves her legs a lot more. She likes to lay on a blanket on the floor and look outside.

Sage's birthday was Saturday. We went to Sams to celebrate. No, really, we are going to take them to Chuck E cheese. Not quite the elaborate party she wanted, but this will have to do. I am also going to take her shopping sometime this week to get her gift.

Mycah and jake are doing fine. Driving me crazy as usual.

I go through days where i miss working. I think when I go back I'll miss being home, though. I feel like this is where I belong and had i not made some good relationships with the people at Target, I wouldn't miss it at all. I'm hoping that I only have to work 4 days a week when I do return, and that I can figure out a time to sleep on the days between nights of work. Thats going to be my challenge.

concerning consistency...

We're about to get some around here.

I'm so tired of being the only one who cleans and also the one who gets blamed for everything. I'm not sure if its because of the baby that makes me think my kids are capable of a lot more than what they do but I'm ready for them to start reaching their potential.

Sage reminds me of myself, which is a little scary because that could possibly mean I act a lot like my mom. Well, thats only bad in certain ways. My mom always acted like she knew what was best for us in all circumstances, so that made me rely on her and when she failed I got mad because she wouldn't let me just do it myself.

That being said, I know I'm not like that. Sage still blames me when things go wrong for her though and it makes me mad. Like today I gave her some change for her pennies campaign at school, and she got mad because I gave her too many dimes. I told her no more change from me then. Thats just one example of many I could share.

Then there's Jake. He's a new breed of child. Sometimes I have to ask him nicely to pick up all his toys and sometimes, like today, I have to be mean to see any results. His backtalking is out of control and will need to be fixed before kindergarten.

Mycah is always out of it and wastes food like no end. I need ot fix that too.

I blame myself for all of this. When I worked overnight I was always half asleep and didn't care about a lot of it. Now that I get decent sleep and have the energy to clean I don't want to be the only one to do so... along with the other problems.

Today is Karli's first physical. Hopefully she doesn't need shots. I think she gets them starting at two months. I hope Jake behaves himself and I get out of there in time to get the girls out of school.

13 days old

Karli is doing really well. We had a problem with her not gaining weight and the doctor suggested if it didn't get any better I might need to use formula, so I went ahead and made that decision for myself. I went to Target and got her a cute little bottle and some similac and it was so nice to see her so content after eating. Shaun even fed her at her 11pm feeding for me.

When I was in the hospital the car broke down and then the van decided to have its power steering go out. We got the car back which means we only have a five seater vehicle for us. Translate that to be today, like Tuesday, I have to take Mycah, Shaun and Sage to school and pick everyone back up. On the pick up part, Jake and I have to be dropped off at home while Shaun picks the girls up. Its rather annoying.

I went to the doctor yesterday and I lost 16 pounds. I was hoping for something outrageous like 30, but 16 will do.

I got a card from the very people that made my life so miserable all those months at our old church. I decided not to send a thank you card, because then they will think I want to still communicate with them.

Jake likes this website called starfall.com. I was doubtful about him learning anything until yesterday when he picked out the number 9 on a box. So now he knows 2 numbers, 9 and 5. Hopefully the rest will follow before kindergarten next year.

My mom's visit was really nice. I forget some things my parents do and when I see it again its oddly familiar. Just little things, like the way they turn the ice tray over to get the ice out. I always dig it out by the corner. They also put their glasses to dry on a towel, and use paper plates so instead of loading the dishwasher my mom had to wash the glasses every night. They both also drive pretty exclusively in the right hand lanes. I always go right for the third because its the least torn up.

So, not a lot going on. Tomorrow will be the first day I'm home so thats what I'm looking most forward to. I have a lot of tv to catch up on during the day.

K

We got to the hospital at our scheduled time of 5:30am on the 23rd. At this point, it still didn't seem real. We got checked in with few delays and found out our surgery was scheduled for 8:45 that morning. It was pretty routine from what I remember before. Some questions, the monitors on the baby's heartbeat...

Shaun and I talked about random things. I think he got nervous before I did. He put on his scrubs and soon it was time to go in to the o.r.

This is where things got interesting. I was suddenly paranoid as anything. I remembered the spinal being one poke but this girl kept poking me, and it was really low. I sung a hymn in my head -- How great thou art, I think-- to keep my mind off of things. I know at one point she made my left leg jump when she poked and then the numbness began. At that point, being numb meant they weren't going to just saw me in half lol.

So now that I can't feel anything below my stomach, they turn me and lay me down. Yeah, that was when I saw the huge mirror hanging on the wall and started wondering who in their right mind would want to see themselves be cut open. I forgot that they put the curtain thing in front of your face.

I've always been intrigued by the people who assist in these surgeries. Seeing half naked women all day doesn't bother them, nor does seeing the insides of those women. They still joke and make small talk like they are having a nice dinner with an old friend.

Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather listen to small talk than hear "what in the world is THAT!" while they are inside me, but just saying...

Anyway, so the curtain goes up much to my relief. I knew I wouldn't have as much medicine because before my recovery was 4 hours and here they were telling me 2 including the hour long surgery. There were a few differences felt with the medicine being less. I felt suction...no details needed there and the pulling of the baby coming out and the stapling, no pain, but a little pressure right before I heard the snap of the gun. It was relieving to hear that because I was starting to have problems breathing and I wanted that curtain down out of my face.

The woman who gave me my medicine was really great. She kept pushing the curtain away from me and took it down as soon as they were done. She even elevated my bed for my push to recovery so I could breathe.

As for the baby... as I said, I felt the tugging of them getting her out, and a few seconds later I heard her cry and all the nurses say how beautiful she was. Then she kept crying and kept crying... all the way out of the room. I had a flash of my life the way it was before and just knew that it was gone. I was certain I had given birth to a crier... or my active child, as my sister has been waiting for me to have.

I did get to see the baby right before she left. I wanted to hold her and bring her home. I couldn't wait.

I saw Shaun again when I could move my legs kind of Frankenstein like on the bed. Its a weird feeling to want your leg to move and it just jerks all weird. The girl in the bed beside me was in labor and she wasn't having an easy time. That put things into perspective for me and I was glad to not be able to feel anything for a little while longer.

Shaun came and brought my new girl for me to hold. She was so tiny. I wanted to cherish that because in a few weeks she will be huge compared to now. He said he knew she was ours because she was born hungry so I fed her right there for an entire hour.

That night, we were in a shared room and she cried most of the night. I was thinking she was one who is soothed by walking around the room rocking her or swinging, neither which I could do being bedridden for the night.

The next morning I got to have everything taken off, like my iv and such, and then I went for a walk which felt really good. Karli and I slept together every night which was how we prefer it, because she won't sleep at night in her crib. She is getting her own schedule and has her own little way of doing things. When she's hungry, she has this raspy cry, almost like she's singing, and she roots around in all different directions. She has a mad cry, too, for when her belly hurts. She likes to lay on the floor on a blanket. She just looks around and kind of rolls and moves her hands.

So far, I'm not really having any problems. Its still uncomfortable to get out of bed or to walk a lot, but other than that I feel really good. Looking forward to being 100% again, though.

because it will all fade away when I see your face

Today, January 21, my world shattered. Briefly. And in an "if only" kind of way.

My surgery was rescheduled for..well, for 7:30, I guess, but we have to be there at 5:30am.

What a mixture of emotions by just one phone call. That means I get to spend all day and night holding you. I get to feel my legs and wiggle my toes earlier in the day. I don't have to fast for 12 hours...

But it also meant us both asking what in the world to do with your brothers and sisters??? Because that is a huge deal when the nearest family member is over 2000 miles away.

Well, its all worked out now. My legs were shaking as I walked down to put the clothes in the dryer. My neighbor could only offer a little relief. It felt good to talk about it, anyway. Your dad and I went over our options and decided to call Mrs. Karen, who thankfully is willing to come over a lot earlier to babysit for us.

I don't know what we would do without our seminary friends out here! People like Mrs Karen make me want to be a better person and friend. Maybe thats part of the growing that we are supposed to do while we're here. I know I could use a few lessons.

Anyway, so my little darling... At this time, you are simultaneously taking out my belly from the front and my hip bone on the left. I have to sit weird to accomodate your growing size. I can't believe that I'll see your little face in less than 48 hours!!

so I have this thing...

I really really really don't want those people (and if you read this blog you know who I'm talking about) to see my baby. I want to delete them from my friends list (their kids) so they won't but then I guess they might see her on Shauns profile.

ugh.

I hate having to not like people.

Anyway, I'm back to feeling normal. Well, a little bit better than normal because my house is like 85% clean. Both bathrooms are done, living room is half vacuumed, the floor is empty, the kitchen is almost finished... yeah. it feels good.

I have to blog this story from Friday... So I felt really bad. I had a cold, I threw up... blech. To top it off, I hadn't been feeling karli move as much as she usually does which was a little unnerving. I got a paper from my doctor about counting kicks and it is supposed to be 7 an hour which she was doing more of but not her usual 7 per half second.

Okay, so I was laying on my bed and jake came in all in a fuss because my shirt was above my belly. Nothing freaky going on, I was just in my room alone until that point watching my stomach because I was a little worried... Anyway, as soon as he came in talking she moved a lot and he gave her a kiss and left. Then we were back to hardly anything.

That night, I made my hamburgers and fries which I had wanted all week, and of course comes with root beer like any good dinner. Well, after dinner, she was abck to her wild crazy self and Shaun and I realized... She had root beer! That was all we needed. I know its not caffeinated but its just that good. We don't need additives.

Since then she has been fine so, no worries. She does like root beer a lot though.

My neighbor came over today to help me clean, which I was equally grateful and nervous about. I talk about my mess but having someone see that I don't exxagerate is a different story. She ended up cleaning my bathroom, which meant she saw my room which is awful. My bathroom wasn't very pretty, either. She didn't complain or stare with her jaw dropped, she just cleaned. She said something about having one room done at a time which I tried to copy by doing the kitchen but I had so many piles of clutter I kept getting distracted. It takes all kinds, I guess.

Anyway, my time draws ever closer...trying not to think about the surgery or after effects... I do remember one thing: my old doctor would tell me really scary gross things, like, "Okay, Heather, we're making the incision now..." that would for some reason, probably nerves, gave me the worst mental images so I told him I didn't want to know... but it was always exciting to hear him say "here she comes" and then hearing the baby cry for the first time. Then it was hard to lay there for the 30 minutes after that it took them to stitch me back up. Not like I could move, but I think something is programmed inside for the baby to be the end result, not the beginning. I don't know...I was just always ready to get off the table and go see my new little one.

horomones -- gotta love em

I have been really emotional these past few days.

I don't know why but I can sit and cry or laugh, I've been getting mad really easily and then getting over it.

There is a difference in the getting over it part, though. For girls, when its not the special time of the month, its your basic getting mad, when it is that time, you fell the rage and something has to be done to lift it or you can be mad for days. Its weird, i know.

Anyway, so... thats how I'm feeling with 4 days to go: weepy, excited, and in some sort of disbelief that it is actually so close.

I'm doing laundry and I saw my neighbor who just had a little girl two weeks or so ago, and I can't believe I will have one of my own to carry around in just a few days. Her older child is 15 months and she says her little sisters name almost in a sneeze, which I just love.

I'm watching Bye Bye Birdie. I cannot tell you the memories this brings back. Too many to name. My best friend when I was three years old and beyond used to have this movie and we watched it all the time at her house. She lived on a street called Windsor place which was perfect for me to remember because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was growing up. She had stairs and we would put our pajamas on and slide down them on our stomachs. Her older sister was the the same age as my sister so we would go over there together almost every weekend. They also had a pantry that was full of good food. We never had a pantry or stairs until I was 13 and had stopped caring about such things.

My neighbor is going to help me clean on Tuesday so right now I feel under a major deadline to get it done so she doesn't see how messy my place usually is! But realistically I won't be able to get it done but its a process and I'm glad she is willing to help.

8 days to go...

I keep having baby dreams but I never have a girl or if I know I did just have a girl, for some reason i can't see her face.

Its really weird to think I will have a baby in just a few days. I wonder what she will look like and who she will act like, but most of all I can't wait to hold her and smell her and kiss her.

Last night was the first night back at sem wives. I enjoyed seeing all the ladies in my group again. One in particular has become a friend. She is really nice and soft spoken which is not like most of my usual friends. :) The message was a little hard to listen to because it was about budgeting and I had a little girl inside my lungs, but its useful info and I did manage to lean forward enough to take notes.

I've been slowly getting a cold all week and i think its because of all the dust I've been stirring up while cleaning. I've touched places that haven't been touched in months. Still have tons of laundry but I'm trying to do everything else and then next week just one or two trips to the laundry mat around the corner will finish it up.

I need to pack my bag, make the baby's bed, and organize all her stuff I have washed also.

The cleaning never ends.

I am so glad I decided to take two weeks off before she comes instead of just one. I can tell it is getting closer to time for her to come and its not very comfortable. i have way too much to do to take a day off, though.

if I had $100...and some other stuff...

First things first...

This new years eve was really nice. Totally different than years past in that Shaun and I were actually awake together to ring in 2009 instead of groggily waking up to fireworks and clumsily giving each other a peck on the face somewhere and back off to dreamland.

He made me some dip with guacamole and sour cream and stuff like that which was really really good and worth getting up in the middle of the night for.

So, overall, I say it was a good night.

This week is my last week of work until sometime in April. I haven't seen next weeks schedule but I'm going to raise some poop if I'm on it lol. :) For some reason I still have 5 days while almost everyone else has 2 or 3. Sigh. But I still have a lot of stuff to get which brings me to the title of my post...

Lets see... one of my bosses gave me some really nice baby stuff. (I have to go off topic and say that I told my mom and sister about it, raved about it to Shaun and my co workers, then when I went back to work after having Wednesday off I didn't say a word to the person who gave it to me about it. I'm getting old and forgetful lol) He gave me a high chair, a bathtub, a play chair for when she gets older, and a baby gate.

So, my list is down to: a mobile, a swing, a boppy pillow, and some other things that I would write except no female reads it but me. So, I need about 100 bucks and some patience to wait until next payday when I might just have it.

My mom might be coming to help out the week after the baby is born. Too bad she can't be there that day, because we still have no idea what to do with our other kids. If anything, maybe they can wait in the hallway while Shaun is in the o.r. with me then after she is born he can rush out to be with them and see what they have gotten in to. Doesn't sound like a good plan to me.

The hardest part in my mind is that I will be physically unable to do anything with them for 24 hours. I will have to stay in bed and thats where I should be for that time, not having to worry with where the other kids are.

She won't come the day of because she doesn't want to leave my brother alone for 24 hours, and my dad will be out of town until Friday night, so we will see what happens. I've hinted too all my friends how great it would be if someone would keep even one of them, but no one has gotten it so far. I can't really blame people that work at night and have kids to not want to take on an extra, though. Its a lot different when they are not your own.

Anyway, other than that Friday everything seems to be shaping up. I just exhausted myself doing housework, which led me to blog and take a break, and I'm feeling less overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I'm almost to the point that I don't care what is clean or not, I just want her here. (also, watching "how clean is your house" gives me lots of confidence that my place has never been THAT bad! everything you see is a new mess and my carpet and kitchen are always clean or in the process of being so)

This has not been Sage's weekend. I took them outside yesterday to play, since we have been houselocked since Wednesday, and that lasted about 15 minutes. She decided that she wanted something to "run around with" which I told her they are not allowed to have their scooters or bikes outside (apartment managers rule, not mine) and she said okay and right then I knew she was going to get something I was not willing to let her play with.

Well, she came down the stairs with this dump truck of Jakes that has handles on either side of the dump part. She wanted to run behind it. I said, trying to be nice, "I wish you would not bring that down the stairs, you are not allowed to run behind it because you will fall" Well, she didn't stop walking down the stairs for half a second, she just kept coming saying she would not fall and we kept going back and forth like that.

She got to the bottom of the stairs and I said she would have to take it back up which she also argued with, leading Mycah to take it back up for her. Then Sage moped. I told her to play but she wouldn't do it, then I told her to go upstairs and she started her incredibly loud cry that I said she was going to get spanked for... Back up a few minutes to Shaun joking when he left that he had locked the door, which Mycah heard and didn't understand that it was a joke, which now lead to Jake driving as slow as he could in his police car, and the girls standing outside our door with Sage doing her loud cry and me about to bust some brain cells in my head as to why i ever had to blasted idea of taking them outside in the first place.

So, we got inside finally and I spanked Sage and sent her to bed even though it was only about 4:30 or so. I didn't care if she went to sleep or just laid there but she was not to come within 10 feet of me.

She did straighten up long enough for me to give her a bath and get the knots completely out of one side of her hair, which was like 30 minutes of work. We ended up cutting out one part that the comb fingers could not penetrate, but its on the inside so no one will ever know.

This morning, she wanted to brush her own hair, which I said no because the regular brush will pull the knots into one awful knot and I was not willing to go through that, so then our trouble started. I ended up yelling at her to either brush her hair or teeth and she just stood there basically, which I could have knocked her off her little stool but I was able to control myself. Then she wouldn't go to the car for church or get out once we got there. Jake has been begging to play at McDonalds so Shaun said we could go. Sage was fine when we got there but didn't want to leave so we made her walk barefoot to the car (she had taken her shoes off to play on the play center) then she wouldn't get out when we got home. Its the weirdest thing how we can pull up, all unbuckle and get out, then leave it to her to get mad that we tell her to get out of the car because she has continued to sit while we are halfway to our destination.

Anyway, so she took a short nap and seems to be okay, although she still has that air about her of an attitude that I don't want to stir up. Luckily, she goes back to school tomorrow and I'll get a few hours peace.