When I look forward to leaving the house.
Too bad the only place to go is doctor appointments. I'm still not entirely comfortable taking the baby out by myself. I don't know if its my forgetfulness or the public.
I find myself getting bored and wishing I had friends. It seems like everyone I know either works and has their own life or I'm just not that close to them and not comfortable saying "hey, lets go shopping" at the spur of the moment like I had in J ville.
It frustrates me because its so temporary and in a few weeks I'll be wishing I had all day (and night, when I'll actually be gone) to spend with my kiddos.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
more updates
Karli wears me out more than Target ever did. I'm a lot more tired now than after any night of stocking shelves.
Shaun and I have both noticed that she wants to be held a lot more now. Of course we don't deny her but after her taking an hour long nap on you then a 30 minute bottle, you start thinking of other things that need to be done. I think its a short phase, much like her babyhood will be. Soon she will be wandering around, getting into stuff, with no time for a nap or snuggles.
The big kids are pretty much the same. I've started thinking of them as a unit now. The big kids, soon to be the school kids. We got outside today for a while to play and I wondered how much of this place they will remember when they are grown. I remember my old house, and I know we played outside there but I don't remember any specifics, except the weird fact that my sister and I would eat the new little leaves off one of the trees.
So here we are five weeks later. I feel like Karli has always been here. Every memory includes her, or a thought of her. This time last year I thought I was pregnant with someone else. I had started the losing process having no idea what was happening. I thought I would be depressed every year on this day because of what might have been, little did I know two months later I'd see that double line again and one year later be looking at my tiny girl sleeping on the couch. It's amazing.
Shaun and I have both noticed that she wants to be held a lot more now. Of course we don't deny her but after her taking an hour long nap on you then a 30 minute bottle, you start thinking of other things that need to be done. I think its a short phase, much like her babyhood will be. Soon she will be wandering around, getting into stuff, with no time for a nap or snuggles.
The big kids are pretty much the same. I've started thinking of them as a unit now. The big kids, soon to be the school kids. We got outside today for a while to play and I wondered how much of this place they will remember when they are grown. I remember my old house, and I know we played outside there but I don't remember any specifics, except the weird fact that my sister and I would eat the new little leaves off one of the trees.
So here we are five weeks later. I feel like Karli has always been here. Every memory includes her, or a thought of her. This time last year I thought I was pregnant with someone else. I had started the losing process having no idea what was happening. I thought I would be depressed every year on this day because of what might have been, little did I know two months later I'd see that double line again and one year later be looking at my tiny girl sleeping on the couch. It's amazing.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The family update
I have the family cold. It all started with Jake the week after I had Karli. We blame him for spreading it to the rest of us :)
Besides the annoyance of a runny nose and the occasional cough, I don't feel too bad. Just hoping the baby doesn't get it.
Speaking of the baby... we have this great arrangement now where she sleeps in her chair beside the bed. I think we both sleep better this way. She is more alert this week. She has periods of the day where she is awake and she looks around. She moves her legs a lot more. She likes to lay on a blanket on the floor and look outside.
Sage's birthday was Saturday. We went to Sams to celebrate. No, really, we are going to take them to Chuck E cheese. Not quite the elaborate party she wanted, but this will have to do. I am also going to take her shopping sometime this week to get her gift.
Mycah and jake are doing fine. Driving me crazy as usual.
I go through days where i miss working. I think when I go back I'll miss being home, though. I feel like this is where I belong and had i not made some good relationships with the people at Target, I wouldn't miss it at all. I'm hoping that I only have to work 4 days a week when I do return, and that I can figure out a time to sleep on the days between nights of work. Thats going to be my challenge.
Besides the annoyance of a runny nose and the occasional cough, I don't feel too bad. Just hoping the baby doesn't get it.
Speaking of the baby... we have this great arrangement now where she sleeps in her chair beside the bed. I think we both sleep better this way. She is more alert this week. She has periods of the day where she is awake and she looks around. She moves her legs a lot more. She likes to lay on a blanket on the floor and look outside.
Sage's birthday was Saturday. We went to Sams to celebrate. No, really, we are going to take them to Chuck E cheese. Not quite the elaborate party she wanted, but this will have to do. I am also going to take her shopping sometime this week to get her gift.
Mycah and jake are doing fine. Driving me crazy as usual.
I go through days where i miss working. I think when I go back I'll miss being home, though. I feel like this is where I belong and had i not made some good relationships with the people at Target, I wouldn't miss it at all. I'm hoping that I only have to work 4 days a week when I do return, and that I can figure out a time to sleep on the days between nights of work. Thats going to be my challenge.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
concerning consistency...
We're about to get some around here.
I'm so tired of being the only one who cleans and also the one who gets blamed for everything. I'm not sure if its because of the baby that makes me think my kids are capable of a lot more than what they do but I'm ready for them to start reaching their potential.
Sage reminds me of myself, which is a little scary because that could possibly mean I act a lot like my mom. Well, thats only bad in certain ways. My mom always acted like she knew what was best for us in all circumstances, so that made me rely on her and when she failed I got mad because she wouldn't let me just do it myself.
That being said, I know I'm not like that. Sage still blames me when things go wrong for her though and it makes me mad. Like today I gave her some change for her pennies campaign at school, and she got mad because I gave her too many dimes. I told her no more change from me then. Thats just one example of many I could share.
Then there's Jake. He's a new breed of child. Sometimes I have to ask him nicely to pick up all his toys and sometimes, like today, I have to be mean to see any results. His backtalking is out of control and will need to be fixed before kindergarten.
Mycah is always out of it and wastes food like no end. I need ot fix that too.
I blame myself for all of this. When I worked overnight I was always half asleep and didn't care about a lot of it. Now that I get decent sleep and have the energy to clean I don't want to be the only one to do so... along with the other problems.
Today is Karli's first physical. Hopefully she doesn't need shots. I think she gets them starting at two months. I hope Jake behaves himself and I get out of there in time to get the girls out of school.
I'm so tired of being the only one who cleans and also the one who gets blamed for everything. I'm not sure if its because of the baby that makes me think my kids are capable of a lot more than what they do but I'm ready for them to start reaching their potential.
Sage reminds me of myself, which is a little scary because that could possibly mean I act a lot like my mom. Well, thats only bad in certain ways. My mom always acted like she knew what was best for us in all circumstances, so that made me rely on her and when she failed I got mad because she wouldn't let me just do it myself.
That being said, I know I'm not like that. Sage still blames me when things go wrong for her though and it makes me mad. Like today I gave her some change for her pennies campaign at school, and she got mad because I gave her too many dimes. I told her no more change from me then. Thats just one example of many I could share.
Then there's Jake. He's a new breed of child. Sometimes I have to ask him nicely to pick up all his toys and sometimes, like today, I have to be mean to see any results. His backtalking is out of control and will need to be fixed before kindergarten.
Mycah is always out of it and wastes food like no end. I need ot fix that too.
I blame myself for all of this. When I worked overnight I was always half asleep and didn't care about a lot of it. Now that I get decent sleep and have the energy to clean I don't want to be the only one to do so... along with the other problems.
Today is Karli's first physical. Hopefully she doesn't need shots. I think she gets them starting at two months. I hope Jake behaves himself and I get out of there in time to get the girls out of school.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
13 days old
Karli is doing really well. We had a problem with her not gaining weight and the doctor suggested if it didn't get any better I might need to use formula, so I went ahead and made that decision for myself. I went to Target and got her a cute little bottle and some similac and it was so nice to see her so content after eating. Shaun even fed her at her 11pm feeding for me.
When I was in the hospital the car broke down and then the van decided to have its power steering go out. We got the car back which means we only have a five seater vehicle for us. Translate that to be today, like Tuesday, I have to take Mycah, Shaun and Sage to school and pick everyone back up. On the pick up part, Jake and I have to be dropped off at home while Shaun picks the girls up. Its rather annoying.
I went to the doctor yesterday and I lost 16 pounds. I was hoping for something outrageous like 30, but 16 will do.
I got a card from the very people that made my life so miserable all those months at our old church. I decided not to send a thank you card, because then they will think I want to still communicate with them.
Jake likes this website called starfall.com. I was doubtful about him learning anything until yesterday when he picked out the number 9 on a box. So now he knows 2 numbers, 9 and 5. Hopefully the rest will follow before kindergarten next year.
My mom's visit was really nice. I forget some things my parents do and when I see it again its oddly familiar. Just little things, like the way they turn the ice tray over to get the ice out. I always dig it out by the corner. They also put their glasses to dry on a towel, and use paper plates so instead of loading the dishwasher my mom had to wash the glasses every night. They both also drive pretty exclusively in the right hand lanes. I always go right for the third because its the least torn up.
So, not a lot going on. Tomorrow will be the first day I'm home so thats what I'm looking most forward to. I have a lot of tv to catch up on during the day.
When I was in the hospital the car broke down and then the van decided to have its power steering go out. We got the car back which means we only have a five seater vehicle for us. Translate that to be today, like Tuesday, I have to take Mycah, Shaun and Sage to school and pick everyone back up. On the pick up part, Jake and I have to be dropped off at home while Shaun picks the girls up. Its rather annoying.
I went to the doctor yesterday and I lost 16 pounds. I was hoping for something outrageous like 30, but 16 will do.
I got a card from the very people that made my life so miserable all those months at our old church. I decided not to send a thank you card, because then they will think I want to still communicate with them.
Jake likes this website called starfall.com. I was doubtful about him learning anything until yesterday when he picked out the number 9 on a box. So now he knows 2 numbers, 9 and 5. Hopefully the rest will follow before kindergarten next year.
My mom's visit was really nice. I forget some things my parents do and when I see it again its oddly familiar. Just little things, like the way they turn the ice tray over to get the ice out. I always dig it out by the corner. They also put their glasses to dry on a towel, and use paper plates so instead of loading the dishwasher my mom had to wash the glasses every night. They both also drive pretty exclusively in the right hand lanes. I always go right for the third because its the least torn up.
So, not a lot going on. Tomorrow will be the first day I'm home so thats what I'm looking most forward to. I have a lot of tv to catch up on during the day.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
K
We got to the hospital at our scheduled time of 5:30am on the 23rd. At this point, it still didn't seem real. We got checked in with few delays and found out our surgery was scheduled for 8:45 that morning. It was pretty routine from what I remember before. Some questions, the monitors on the baby's heartbeat...
Shaun and I talked about random things. I think he got nervous before I did. He put on his scrubs and soon it was time to go in to the o.r.
This is where things got interesting. I was suddenly paranoid as anything. I remembered the spinal being one poke but this girl kept poking me, and it was really low. I sung a hymn in my head -- How great thou art, I think-- to keep my mind off of things. I know at one point she made my left leg jump when she poked and then the numbness began. At that point, being numb meant they weren't going to just saw me in half lol.
So now that I can't feel anything below my stomach, they turn me and lay me down. Yeah, that was when I saw the huge mirror hanging on the wall and started wondering who in their right mind would want to see themselves be cut open. I forgot that they put the curtain thing in front of your face.
I've always been intrigued by the people who assist in these surgeries. Seeing half naked women all day doesn't bother them, nor does seeing the insides of those women. They still joke and make small talk like they are having a nice dinner with an old friend.
Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather listen to small talk than hear "what in the world is THAT!" while they are inside me, but just saying...
Anyway, so the curtain goes up much to my relief. I knew I wouldn't have as much medicine because before my recovery was 4 hours and here they were telling me 2 including the hour long surgery. There were a few differences felt with the medicine being less. I felt suction...no details needed there and the pulling of the baby coming out and the stapling, no pain, but a little pressure right before I heard the snap of the gun. It was relieving to hear that because I was starting to have problems breathing and I wanted that curtain down out of my face.
The woman who gave me my medicine was really great. She kept pushing the curtain away from me and took it down as soon as they were done. She even elevated my bed for my push to recovery so I could breathe.
As for the baby... as I said, I felt the tugging of them getting her out, and a few seconds later I heard her cry and all the nurses say how beautiful she was. Then she kept crying and kept crying... all the way out of the room. I had a flash of my life the way it was before and just knew that it was gone. I was certain I had given birth to a crier... or my active child, as my sister has been waiting for me to have.
I did get to see the baby right before she left. I wanted to hold her and bring her home. I couldn't wait.
I saw Shaun again when I could move my legs kind of Frankenstein like on the bed. Its a weird feeling to want your leg to move and it just jerks all weird. The girl in the bed beside me was in labor and she wasn't having an easy time. That put things into perspective for me and I was glad to not be able to feel anything for a little while longer.
Shaun came and brought my new girl for me to hold. She was so tiny. I wanted to cherish that because in a few weeks she will be huge compared to now. He said he knew she was ours because she was born hungry so I fed her right there for an entire hour.
That night, we were in a shared room and she cried most of the night. I was thinking she was one who is soothed by walking around the room rocking her or swinging, neither which I could do being bedridden for the night.
The next morning I got to have everything taken off, like my iv and such, and then I went for a walk which felt really good. Karli and I slept together every night which was how we prefer it, because she won't sleep at night in her crib. She is getting her own schedule and has her own little way of doing things. When she's hungry, she has this raspy cry, almost like she's singing, and she roots around in all different directions. She has a mad cry, too, for when her belly hurts. She likes to lay on the floor on a blanket. She just looks around and kind of rolls and moves her hands.
So far, I'm not really having any problems. Its still uncomfortable to get out of bed or to walk a lot, but other than that I feel really good. Looking forward to being 100% again, though.
Shaun and I talked about random things. I think he got nervous before I did. He put on his scrubs and soon it was time to go in to the o.r.
This is where things got interesting. I was suddenly paranoid as anything. I remembered the spinal being one poke but this girl kept poking me, and it was really low. I sung a hymn in my head -- How great thou art, I think-- to keep my mind off of things. I know at one point she made my left leg jump when she poked and then the numbness began. At that point, being numb meant they weren't going to just saw me in half lol.
So now that I can't feel anything below my stomach, they turn me and lay me down. Yeah, that was when I saw the huge mirror hanging on the wall and started wondering who in their right mind would want to see themselves be cut open. I forgot that they put the curtain thing in front of your face.
I've always been intrigued by the people who assist in these surgeries. Seeing half naked women all day doesn't bother them, nor does seeing the insides of those women. They still joke and make small talk like they are having a nice dinner with an old friend.
Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather listen to small talk than hear "what in the world is THAT!" while they are inside me, but just saying...
Anyway, so the curtain goes up much to my relief. I knew I wouldn't have as much medicine because before my recovery was 4 hours and here they were telling me 2 including the hour long surgery. There were a few differences felt with the medicine being less. I felt suction...no details needed there and the pulling of the baby coming out and the stapling, no pain, but a little pressure right before I heard the snap of the gun. It was relieving to hear that because I was starting to have problems breathing and I wanted that curtain down out of my face.
The woman who gave me my medicine was really great. She kept pushing the curtain away from me and took it down as soon as they were done. She even elevated my bed for my push to recovery so I could breathe.
As for the baby... as I said, I felt the tugging of them getting her out, and a few seconds later I heard her cry and all the nurses say how beautiful she was. Then she kept crying and kept crying... all the way out of the room. I had a flash of my life the way it was before and just knew that it was gone. I was certain I had given birth to a crier... or my active child, as my sister has been waiting for me to have.
I did get to see the baby right before she left. I wanted to hold her and bring her home. I couldn't wait.
I saw Shaun again when I could move my legs kind of Frankenstein like on the bed. Its a weird feeling to want your leg to move and it just jerks all weird. The girl in the bed beside me was in labor and she wasn't having an easy time. That put things into perspective for me and I was glad to not be able to feel anything for a little while longer.
Shaun came and brought my new girl for me to hold. She was so tiny. I wanted to cherish that because in a few weeks she will be huge compared to now. He said he knew she was ours because she was born hungry so I fed her right there for an entire hour.
That night, we were in a shared room and she cried most of the night. I was thinking she was one who is soothed by walking around the room rocking her or swinging, neither which I could do being bedridden for the night.
The next morning I got to have everything taken off, like my iv and such, and then I went for a walk which felt really good. Karli and I slept together every night which was how we prefer it, because she won't sleep at night in her crib. She is getting her own schedule and has her own little way of doing things. When she's hungry, she has this raspy cry, almost like she's singing, and she roots around in all different directions. She has a mad cry, too, for when her belly hurts. She likes to lay on the floor on a blanket. She just looks around and kind of rolls and moves her hands.
So far, I'm not really having any problems. Its still uncomfortable to get out of bed or to walk a lot, but other than that I feel really good. Looking forward to being 100% again, though.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
because it will all fade away when I see your face
Today, January 21, my world shattered. Briefly. And in an "if only" kind of way.
My surgery was rescheduled for..well, for 7:30, I guess, but we have to be there at 5:30am.
What a mixture of emotions by just one phone call. That means I get to spend all day and night holding you. I get to feel my legs and wiggle my toes earlier in the day. I don't have to fast for 12 hours...
But it also meant us both asking what in the world to do with your brothers and sisters??? Because that is a huge deal when the nearest family member is over 2000 miles away.
Well, its all worked out now. My legs were shaking as I walked down to put the clothes in the dryer. My neighbor could only offer a little relief. It felt good to talk about it, anyway. Your dad and I went over our options and decided to call Mrs. Karen, who thankfully is willing to come over a lot earlier to babysit for us.
I don't know what we would do without our seminary friends out here! People like Mrs Karen make me want to be a better person and friend. Maybe thats part of the growing that we are supposed to do while we're here. I know I could use a few lessons.
Anyway, so my little darling... At this time, you are simultaneously taking out my belly from the front and my hip bone on the left. I have to sit weird to accomodate your growing size. I can't believe that I'll see your little face in less than 48 hours!!
My surgery was rescheduled for..well, for 7:30, I guess, but we have to be there at 5:30am.
What a mixture of emotions by just one phone call. That means I get to spend all day and night holding you. I get to feel my legs and wiggle my toes earlier in the day. I don't have to fast for 12 hours...
But it also meant us both asking what in the world to do with your brothers and sisters??? Because that is a huge deal when the nearest family member is over 2000 miles away.
Well, its all worked out now. My legs were shaking as I walked down to put the clothes in the dryer. My neighbor could only offer a little relief. It felt good to talk about it, anyway. Your dad and I went over our options and decided to call Mrs. Karen, who thankfully is willing to come over a lot earlier to babysit for us.
I don't know what we would do without our seminary friends out here! People like Mrs Karen make me want to be a better person and friend. Maybe thats part of the growing that we are supposed to do while we're here. I know I could use a few lessons.
Anyway, so my little darling... At this time, you are simultaneously taking out my belly from the front and my hip bone on the left. I have to sit weird to accomodate your growing size. I can't believe that I'll see your little face in less than 48 hours!!
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