I'll always have you

Fridays have new meaning.

On Friday, Februaury 29, I had a miscarriage.

Yeah, i get that it was probably for the best --most of them happen because of a genetic defect--

I get that it would have been my fourth child, so I'm not really missing out on anything, but all of that is just my head, my logical response to something that has traumatized me emotionally.

I've been really depressed for the past three weeks. I once always considered myself to be very honest about my feelings but since this all happened I'm only happy, safe, secure...around my family in the comfort of my own home.

I've been living life normal partly because I have to and partly because I'm so far away from my comfort zone and I don't have anyone out here I can trust with my feelings.

I know people will listen but no one will truly understand.

So i don't know what to do with myself.

My husband is in training to be a pastor, so I should have all the answers right? I should be able to say recite bible verses and carry a real smile and know that God wants only the best for me, so I will be willing and happy no matter what, right?

I'm just not.

I do believe God has a higher plan, that it is best that for whatever reason, the baby wasn't whole and my body did the right thing.

I also believe that we have trials and this life is not always happy go lucky and I don't have to smile and its okay to cry.

I just found out a few minutes ago that a family member is pregnant. I really wanted to just hang up the phone and cry, but I didn't let myself.

I feel like something is wrong with me even though I know thats not true at the same time.

When I was pregnant with my first child, i had a friend who had two miscarriages during that 9 months. She never said anything to me about her emotions at that time, but now I would like to find her again just so I could have someone to relate to. Other than her, I've never known anyone who has gone through this.

The title of this blog comes from Jordin Sparks song "Tattoo" which is probably not about a baby but thats what I think of when I hear it. :D