yay

Last night at work was so refreshing! My friend who was on vacation for a week and a half finally came back. There were all the usually annoyances that comes with working with other people, of course, but it was all so much better with someone to laugh it off with.

So to celebrate, I've decided to spend one week saying things I think to people who choose to argue with me.

Like my husband always says to me "anger hurts the person who is angry more than it hurts the person you are angry at" So, no more anger.

It stinks because I go to Bible study on Wednesday nights and I so look forward to it and it is so good, but its like, thats it. Thats my one spiritual moment of the entire week because so many people choose to argue with me and I can't let it go.

I don't mean to be a hypocrite, although if you met me thats what you would probably say. I just feel like I have all this pressure put on me by so many different things that I'm about to burst. My church is no comfort, all I have to get my mind off of it is my Wednesday nights. I've always gotten annoyed easily at people and it seems like Californians are much worse than other people I've been around. I get bossed around so much that I must come off as a door mat and then it builds up so that I get so mad and I write a blog about it and then people think all I do is complain, which might be true, but is not how I want to be.

So, here we go, until next Tuesday, no more door mat. I'll just say it like it is, and document it here, in case I ever get this crazy idea again, and hopefully after finding out my true feelings people will leave me alone.

But, to my friend, I'm glad you are back!!

That didn't go as bad as I thought...

I dread going to church every Sunday now.

I'm always tempted to "accidentally" oversleep since I'm usually the first one up in the mornings. Well, besides the kids, who I doubt slepp more than five or six hours a night...

For the past few weeks I've been giving one word answers to questions about how I'm feeling, etc. I knew that most of them would be in a really good mood today because this was the weekend of the womens retreat, and I was right.

Now let me say that they aren't all bad, but as my sister says I always attract the weirdos and it seems like the only ones in that particular place who want to talk to me are people who want to argue with me or have some kind of problem with something else I've done.

Today I got into a conversation with one of the best people there, she is so smart and practical and nice and I love being around her. She was asking me what i needed for the baby, which I told her I don't know because I don't, but it made me let my guard down, then the woman who argues with me came over and asked me all kinds of stuff and with every answer I gave her I was wincing because with that group you never know when something will be used against you.

I don't really know what to do in those situations. I'm afraid that they want to give me a baby shower and I don't know what I will do if thats the case. My plan was to be as vague as possible with them and when the baby came I would be home free, but after today I'm beating myself up because I was more open with them and I only see disaster.

I've always found it insulting when people, anyone at all, asks me how I expect to pay for a baby because we don't make a lot of money. I just don't think its anyone's business. I'm not even sure "how" I am going to pay for it but just like all the other bills and other stuff that comes up we will find a way. I don't care how much money anyone makes at this point in pregnancy all it takes is a natural disaster, job loss, fire, car accident, you name it, and they are stuck not knowing how they are going to pay for a baby either.

So I said all of that to say we have been asked that question by these people before so I don't want to accept any gifts or anything from them.

But this Sunday there was no arguing or "you should just do this" ing so I call it a good Sunday.

On a positive note, my mid week Bible study start this past week. Since my husband started seminary in the middle of the Bible study year last year, I was in a group that had already spent one semester together so they were all friends and I was the new girl, even though they were all very nice girls. I was glad to be able to go on the first night this year and see all the new people, some of whom were in their first semester and others who were newlyweds but their husbands were in their second or third year of school.

I'm excited for it all to get started so I can make friends there with women who are in the same situation as me, husband in school and far away from family. It will be so nice to be around someone who understands...

I'll know better next time.

One of our goals before we have this baby is to have the whole apartment cleaned out. The fact that we only have two bedrooms makes it a completely doable task -- one would think.

I had the great idea to clean out the kids room this weekend. The images I had layed out in my mind of the beginning, middle, and end so far are not what has progressed. I say so far because I am way far away from the end result. Probably about three hours worth of cleaning. ugh.

Yesterday we got off to a good start. I was cleaning out one side of the closet while they wiped off a wall with wipes.

Now let me elaborate on this wall. Our seven year old, then six, decided her wall was too boring with fresh white paint so she decided to get...something, maybe a black crayon, to write the numbers 1-20 in bubble numbers, very dark, which inspired the younger ones to then scribble in the whole space between bottom and top bunk. My attempts with goo gone, any kind of cleaner you can name, just soap and water, etc...all futile.

Somehow the wall under the window also had the same crayon smeared look even though I don't remember crayon being on that one so I got one of our clorox wipes and with lots of elbow grease that wall is almost completely clean.

So back to the whole room. They were getting crayon smudge off the wall and I was cleaning out the closet of shoes, toys, clothes, trash, you name it.

Then the fighting began. And never stopped.

I have one out of three that will help, and that goes for doing anything. The other two are better off being in a different part of the house when I'm trying to do something.

We did manage to get the big toy box emptied, after an hour of fighting about it. I got their old shoes in a box that as soon as I left the room (because I had a huge cramp in my belly from sitting so long on the floor) was knocked over and the shoes scattered.

Right now their room is a bigger mess than it has ever been. All the stuffed animals and trash need to be picked up and maybe they can walk in there. They have been playing on top bunk because thats the only place they fit. Its so much to clean that I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe when they eat lunch I'll turn on a movie in the living room and get it cleaned.

Besides that, I have a huge ant trail in my bathroom, going to and from nothing, which is weird, and I want to finish my kitchen.

So much to do and no idea where to begin.

On another note, I recommend you look up Taylor Swift's new song Love Story. Good stuff, she wrote it herself. Also, I have my next appointment on Thursday so I'm hoping he does an ultrasound or I might just break in to the room and do it myself lol. This is my fourth kid I know how to run the machine.

to all those somebodies who actually read this.

I'm going on vacation, wanna come???

Okay, not really but I've always been a daydreamer and when things get bad I imagine this place in my mind...a beautiful cabin in the woods, next to a lake, where i catch my own food and sleep in a huge comfortable bed and the best part is NO ONE IS AROUND!!! Its just me and my thoughts.

I think it would be perfect except I can't actually sleep unless my husband is in the house and I've seen way too many scary movies to spend the night there.

hahaha, okay...

I've been thinking and thinking and decided the reason I don't like too many people is because they are too distracting. Think about it, those of you with more than four friends (which happens to be my count) You have to worry about whats going on in their lives, you have to keep in contact, if you want to go somewhere you wonder if they want to go, not to mention the phone calls and emails.

Now, I understand that if they are your friend, you want to do that. I have friends that are on my mind constantly, especially if they are going through a hard time. All my stuff takes a back burner.

I'm just saying having a lot of friends is not my thing.

When we first moved here, I wanted to get a job and get involved in whatever I could so I could meet people. i had been a stay at home mom for four years and besides one (of my four) friend, my world consisited of my very young children and my mom.

---Not bringing hubby into this because he is a whole different (very good) blog---

Anyway, since we have become a seminary family, my whole thinking has changed and I don't have a lot of time to analyze all that I want to think about, not to mention that my kids think whatever I'm doing at the time pales in importance to their constant need for food or drink.

I feel like I have so much to do before this baby comes, and so little time to do it all. I feel like everything needs ot be cleaned OUT and all I have time to do is surface stuff. I started on the kitchen but I got as far as doing most of the big dishes and running the dishwasher before I had to go turn off the water because no one was in the tub like he was supposed to be then I had to break up a fight and take out the trash then get on to them for making a huge mess in their bathroom which I just cleaned a few days ago then I cleaned the entry way and more of the same kid stuff so I got annoyed so now I'm blogging about it.

*sigh*

I would love to have one long Saturday to myself, where the kids are gone at like 8 am and not back until 5 or 6 that night. That is the only way I will get anything done. Even if I had naptime during the day that would help so much.

Anyway, sorry for yet another poor me blog but this is my therapy!

18 week appointment

I went to the doctor at 8:00 this morning. It was so convienent because I was able to go right after dropping Mycah off and I had a few minutes to myself before going in.

I don't want to be mean but I'm really glad that doctor is not delivering my baby. He seems kind of absent minded. Last time, I had my afp blood work done and almost a month ago I had a pap... and he wanted me to do both of them today. He didn't believe that I had either one done when I tried to tell him and I was not looking forward to having it all repeated.

Not sure if I mentioned but the nurse didn't fill out my paper work properly, or at all, so the afp people were calling and calling... so she had to call them today after they had been trying to get in touch for two weeks and give them my info. She also never called to get my pap results and any woman can tell you having to have it done once is enough!

I had to have blood work done, just like every other time I've been there. My veins are starting to not like that place lol. For some reason blood work hurts more when I'm pregnant, and today was no different. At one point, i think she shoved the needle in too far because it felt like she hit a nerve (seriously, all the way from my elbow to my shoulder!) and I looked and there was no blood pumping into the vial, she saw it too and backed out the needle but that didn't make it feel better. I'm left handed but I usually drive with my right. Not today! My arm was killing me so I just let it go limp beside my seat and it eventually felt better.

The good news, I'm holding my weight steady, so far no gain!!! It would be a dream come true to keep my current weight, then after the baby comes, be a little skinnier than before. And I say a little because I won't be able to buy new clothes for a while after...but continuing weight loss would be great.

Also, the baby is measuring right where it's supposed to and the heartbeat was strong. This time, when the doctor was checking the heart it kept changing and it brought back memories of my three older ones. When it sounds like a horse galloping, its coming from the back of the baby, is what my old nurse told me. Well, this time it was changing from the horse to just being loud to another sound I can't really explain. So my little one was active this time.

...................................

On another note, I've decided, for myself, to get more involved in seminary things. I no longer have the desire to open myself up to the women in my current church, but I don't think it would be good for me to just give up the whole faith since my husband is going to be a leader in it... I thought and thought, and this is what I came up with:

The women at sem wives are my age. They are away from home, just like me, their husbands are in school, like me. If they do have kids they are small, and the moms have to work.

At my church, they are older, the kids are older, therefore I get a lot of unsolicited advice. Which I hate. If you ever comment please do not give me advice on anything lol. No one at that church is interested in being my friend. And i don't mean email every once in a while or go to lunch where I get a lot of what I mentioned above... I mean a real friend, someone who i can talk to without being bashed or judged. I don't care if we talk once a month or every day, I just want someone to hang out with on a casual basis, not who thinks everything has to be a learning experience for me.

So, thats my decision. We are here for seminary, we have a church back home to get involved in if we move back there, so thats what my focus will be.

can't wait until January!!!

Those of you who keep up probably think I never have anything nice to say! It's not that exactly, its just that I have a lot of stress lately and no one to talk to about it. I feel like I can be a lot more honest with just a blank computer screen than in a conversation.

So, after all of that... I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I HAVE MY BABY!!!!!

I have been feeling it move so much over the past week. Just so its documented, I first started feeling little flutters at 17 weeks. I LOVE this point because no one can feel it but me. It makes the pregnancy seem so much more real and makes me sooo excited to meet my little boy or girl!!!

I got my 18 week email update today and it said my baby is the size of a big pickle, to which I thought mmmm... pickles... and then I realized how much the little one has grown in just a few months.

My dreams have gotten all wacky, too. I had one a few nights ago about the baby kicking and it would push its feet out so far that you could see the toes and everything through my skin. lol

The privacy will be nice this time. No baby shower, no relatives at the hospital... I will miss my mom like crazy because she is always such a help but I keep picturing myself rocking my newborn with no one else around and not expecting anyone and it just sounds so peaceful.

I want my hubby to take fewer classes in the spring. He is concerned because he thinks its because I will need all this help and it will be on him but the truth is I just want him there more. Just for me... I think I'll be fine with four, can't be too much harder than three, right?

countdown to back to school...and other things.

Thursday is the big day!! I Am going to cry like a baby when my five year old starts kindergarten!! it was different with my first one, she is so much more independent. Sage is the emotional one, the one who will argue her point without backing down...all good things for an adult, one who is trying to get ahead in the world. I hope she never loses it but I do hope she suppresses it when its time to listen and learn.

I have to go to the doctor before she goes to school. I hope its quick because 1) I wanted the morning to be about her and 2) I have gone to the doctor every Thursday since I got back from vacation, and I'm sick of it.

I'm a little over 15 weeks pregnant at this point. I am so excited about my baby. Words cannot even begin to describe it!! Our neighbors gave us a crib, which we spent half an hour trying to get into our room last night. We ended up having to take it most of the way apart to do so. I like our apartment layout but it is not ideal for moving furniture.

The crib is filled right now with baby toys and blankets, but I can't wait to buy either blue or pink clothes to store there!! It will almost be a shame to have a boy because I just gave away all my boy clothes to my sister, who has given most of them away to other people. She did it not having any idea I was expecting, but to have to start from scratch almost feels like a waste. Almost. I love to shop so in another way it gives me an excuse... ;)

I would love to have another girl just because my boy is so difficult. I thought he was getting easier but it turns out we just hadn't been anywhere in a while. We splurged a little and went out to eat yesterday after church, and he decided (luckily towards the end) that his feet were getting sweaty so he needed to take his shoes off and bring them around the table to me. I have this weird thing in restaurants about shoes. I think its gross to walk around barefoot in one and if you can walk, no matter what age, you should wear shoes in a place where strangers eat. He cried when I told him to put them back on and fought with his sister when I said for her to do it. I all of the sudden felt very sandwiched and claustrophobic between my husband and my oldest, who had moved to the seat next to me so she could have more room, so I got him out of there before I freaked due to the whole situation.

I have been talking to my old friend from Florida a lot lately. She is amazing. I only have about 4 friends, true friends, who I love dearly. I consider a friend someone who listens to me, who wants to hang out every now and then, who I can laugh with or be stupid around and not even think twice about being judged.

Lately, though, I've come across a different breed. One who would say they are friends with me but have no clue as to the definition of the word.

I understand we are in certain situations to be trained, so to speak...to learn, would be a better word... what i don't get (or like, or respect) is the people who think since they are around me, older than me, or whatever, that they know better than me in my situation and try to get me to do things their way.

I think it bothers me so much because I am totally that way. I would love to influence a lot of people to what I think is right, whether it be in religion, politics, abortion, child raising, driving, marriage...whatever. I have certain ways of doing things that I almost swear by, and sometimes when people tell me how they do things it drives me bonkers because, I'm a woman, my way is the right way. Luckily for everyone within 10 miles, I've learned to suppress my feelings. I'll only offer advice if its asked of me, because I simply hate it when people give me unsolicited advice.

Since this group has found out I'm going to have another baby, its practically flying out of the woodwork, it seems. I opened up to one person one day. I can be pretty negative but I didn't say anything bad about how hard its going to be or that I'm worried about anything...and I get a card saying they know how hard its going to be for me, "but God is still in control"

Just for review, and tmi, but sorry... I had a miscarriage in Feb/March...I had a cycle in April...I saw my husband one night a week during that time...and in May I got a positive pregnancy test. I know that God has a plan, i know that God is in control. It doesn't happen that fast for most people.

And, to be honest, I have no rememberance whatsoever about how much work a newborn is. When I had my kids, I was a stay at home mom with my mom within 15 minutes. This time, I'll have a few weeks off and have to get right back into it. I have no clue what I'm in for, but I'm looking forward to finding out. For myself.

Anyway...sorry for the vent. That one has been building up for a long time.

On a much brighter, better note, my husband has been really great these past few weeks. When I wanted hamburgers, he went out right after getting home from work to get me all the fixings, when I wanted pizza, we went grocery shopping to get some. He has done laundry, he has done dishes, cleaned any number of random things, and been such a huge help to me with the kids. I'm so glad to have him around. Its going to be sad when he goes back to school full time in a few weeks.